YuGiOh! Pairings of the Apocalypse!
by nedthejanitor
Summary: The long-awaited ? sequel to DBZ Pairings is here! Join me in looking at some of the most absurd or revolting ships in the Yu-Gi-Oh fandom! Warning: Not for people who value their sanity or take this stuff seriously. INDEFINITE HIATUS'D
1. Seto and Mokuba

**Disclaimer: I don't pwn Yugi Hoes.**

_Hello, most observant readers! By now, you may have noticed that this chapter is the first chapter while the actual first written chapter has been bumped down to second. Well, I realized not long after the first chapter that I had violated my tradition when writing these stories; always start things off with a really, really disgusting pairing. And that's exactly what I intend to do!_

_Today's chapter is going to be about Mokuba and his big brother, or nii-sama or what the fuck ever, Seto. These two are going to be lovebirds, and possibly are going to fulfill every end times prophecy in every holy book ever written with the debauchery they're about to commit. Please try to enjoy yourselves._

Kaiba was exhausted! Again! After another long, hard day of sitting in front of a computer and typing a lot of shit, he was ready to get a little R&R in his study. Once in there, Kaiba planned to engage in his favorite non-work pastime; sitting in front of a computer and typing a lot of shit.

But when he opened the door this time, he was greeted by something. His study. But, more specifically, his study that had a half-naked Mokuba in it, who was using Seto's study computer (I'd tell you the specs, but they'd blow your fucking mind) for private business, if you know what I mean.

So the deer-in-the-headlight staring contest commenced! Seto had an early lead, since his eyes are a lot squintier and thus require less water, but because his brain could process shock a lot quicker than Mokuba's, he was the first to blink.

"Mokuba, what the HELL do you think you're doing in here?" Seto wasted no time, other than about 30 seconds of it, in asking.

Mokuba's mouth opened and closed like a fish. A really busted fish. His shame gradually took over for his shock, and he tried to exit out of the website he was looking at. But he wasn't quick enough to avoid Seto's amazing ability to walk a few steps forward and turn to his right.

"MOKUBA!" Seto bellowed, not so mellow, fellow. "These- these are pictures of-!"

Mokuba couldn't bear anymore. He bolted out of Seto's study faster than OJ Simpson in a white jalopy, leaving his elder brother staring at the kid's masturbation material; pictures of Seto's head photo-shopped onto heavily muscular nude males.

Seto sat at the desk and gathered his thoughts. He knew what he had to do. First, he got out his comically small cellphone, Zoolander edition, and called his secretary.

"Yes, Mr. Kaiba?" Chirped the voice on the other end of the line.

"Secretary, I want you to-"

"You know, Mr. Kaiba, I'm in the room directly next to yours. I can even hear you through the door between our rooms. You don't have to use the intercom."

"First of all, you're fired. Second of all, you're hired again, because I want you to take this computer, burn it, and bury it in the backyard."

"Oh, did it go one second too slow like the last three?"

"No, it… it has horrible things on it. Just get it out of my sight, please."

So she did. She, with the help of two or three suited security people, had the computer cremated and the ashes buried. Seto's next step would be the brotherly talk. The talk that every older brother has to have with their younger about, y'know, not sexualizing them because that's really fucking creepy and not right and you're ten years old what the fuck are you thinking.

Mokuba greeted the elder brother's knock, not by opening the door, but by sobbing. Around these parts, we call that a domestic abuse defense mechanism. But Seto was a determined man, with a determined boner that he doesn't want to think about right now because it's so horrible that he's thinking about his brother like that, and he wasn't ready to quit. Seto Kaiba didn't quit. Even when every rational part of his brain was saying to.

"Mokuba, we have to talk about this sooner or later," the elder Kaiba sighed. "You may as well come out and face the music."

"No!"

Seto knew it would come to this. He reached in his pocket for the remote that linked to the microchip installed in Mokuba's locket. Upon being pressed, the button activated the chip and caused the locket to belt out, "Would you do it for a Mokuba snack?"

The clever ruse worked. The younger Kaiba brother opened the door, nearly slamming it into Seto's bulging erection, and tore himself from gazing at it to look his brother in the eye. "You installed something in my locket just so it would say that?"

"Yes. To protect you."

Holy shit, thought Mokuba, the secretary was right. Seto was going fucking senile. But that was a topic for a whole other chapter.

Seto wasted no time beginning the talk. "Now, Mokuba, you can't go around using someone else's copy of photoshop to masturbate to pictures of your blood relative. It's not good manners, and it's also grounds for immediate expulsion from polite society. And furthermore…"

Mokuba was completely zoned out as he gazed at Seto's skin popsicle straining against his black leather pants, which he wore to fucking work for whatever insane, eccentric reason I'll allow you to imagine. Seto couldn't get one word into his ears; they were full of Seto's cock. Erm, wait, I meant his mind. His mind was full of that. Sorry.

Seto put his hand on Mokuba's shoulder and that was the breaking point. The underaged boy, I'm so sorry to have to break this to you, put his mouth on Seto's still leather-covered erection.

Now, normally, Seto would easily be able to get Mokuba off. But the wild-haired tween was sucking that thing HARD. TOO hard, in fact. He was sucking harder than the 4Kids dub of Yu-Gi-Oh, and that is a very dangerous amount of suck. He ended up sucking Seto's innards out through his penis, killing him as he emitted a piercing wail of agony that sounded nothing like the richest man in Japan.

"AHH!"

Seto woke up with a start. It was all just a bad dream. He shook his head a little and sighed, realizing how badly he needed to get laid. Yet again. So badly, he turned over and woke up his lover, Mokuba, for their third round in a night.

THE END

AGAIN, I APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE EVERYWHERE FOR THIS.


	2. Bakura and Tea

**Disclaimer: I am dissing any and all claims that I own "Yu-Gi-Oh!" because I don't.**

…_Oh, hello, I didn't see you there! How are you? Welcome to Pain City, population: 2; your left eye and your right eye! I am, of course, assuming that you don't either have an eye missing or have no eyes at all and are having someone read this to you. Regardless, welcome to the first of too many chapters of Yu-Gi-Oh Pairings of the Apocalypse._

_Today's pairing is going to helpfully illustrate why some ships aren't meant to sail; because they have to actually have a bottom. Bakura (Yami, for those too accustomed to the dub) and Tea (because I like that name better than Anzu. U mad?). Try to enjoy yourself, won't you?_

"Okay, Yugi! See you tomorrow!"

"Bye!"

Tea would have accompanied the little guy back to his grandpa's house, but she figured he was safe since it was only a block away. Alas, she was wrong, for halfway home Yugi was fatally attacked by a gang of raccoons who were randy for trading cards.

Meanwhile, in a hospital two miles away…

"If I had the Millennium Items, bullshit like this wouldn't happen…" Bakura leveled his angry gaze at the pillow his head had been laying on, which thanks to his hair had come to resemble a Swiss cheese Halloween costume. Not just because of the holes, but because of the color. He knew good and well that he should've been washing his hair more often, but meh. The Millennium items could do that for him.

Bakura made his hasty retreat from the sterile prison and started looking around for duelists who looked like they might have a Millennium item. Or a steak. Whichever one comes along first, really. But the duelist that caught his eye first had neither. In fact, it was arguable that she wasn't even really a duelist.

"_Why am I doing this…?" _Bakura asked himself. No, not Ryou.

"Thank you, young man." The old lady who he helped across the street smiled and waved as she walked away, as Bakura continued to wonder just what came over him. There was nothing like a sudden onset of amnesia to leave a good man hanging.

As if things couldn't get any worse, Tea Gardner happened to be passing by when she saw Bakura doing what he does worst; helping people.

"Bakura?" Tea called out somewhat quietly. And by somewhat quietly, I mean louder than any normal human being but quiet compared to her actual outside voice. Bakura turned, startled slightly at having been recognized as himself rather than as Ryou. In the hope that Tea hadn't seen him do what he'd just done, which for Bakura was the equivalent of a normal person having been seen burying the body of his raped mother, he tried to be intimidating.

"Well, well, Gardner…" Bakura hissed, Millennium Ring fading in out of nowhere around his neck, "What are you doing out here all alone at night…? There are a lot of-" his grin became wider, showing his inexplicably sharp teeth "-BAD people that are around this late."

Tea cocked her head to the side all adorable-like. "You mean like that old lady you helped across the street?"

"FUCK!" Bakura snapped. "You saw that? Well… well, it wasn't what you think it was!"

"Then what was it?"

"It was… I was… THE SHADOW REALM!"

Tea was failing to keep a straight face, and Bakura was noticing. "So that's what people do in the shadow realm? Help old people?"

"Yes! …I mean, FUCK no! Whatever!" Bakura's ring began to glow threateningly. "Where is the Pharaoh?"

Tea smiled coyly. "He's ladling at a soup kitchen. You can still join him if it isn't too late."

"NO, he isn't you liar! Stop nonsensing! Tell me where the Pharaoh is or I'll send you… wait, no… I'll throw this ring at you and it'll hurt! One of these spikes might even hit you in the eye! I'm warning you!"

"Relax, Bakura," Tea said genially. "Why don't you just admit you aren't such a bad guy?"

Bakura did a spit-take. A really exaggerated one. He nearly flooded the park they were standing in. "You're really testing my patience, Gardner! This is your last chance; tell me where the Pharaoh is or I'll be forced…"

His ring began glowing even harder than before. "to drown you in endless darkness."

"Oh, no, endless darkness!" Tea laughed and threw her hands up in mock-surrender. "Let me guess, you're going to melt some dark chocolate on my face?"

"I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU WITH A SPIKE!" He raged, while wondering two things; if Tea realized just how erotic what she said sounded, and if his boner was noticeable through his sharp girl pants. Given the fact that he was in Ryou's body and Ryou's dick is regularly put in danger of being shaved off due to being mistaken for a pubic hair, the answer is "maybe."

"Well, it was nice talking to you Bakura, but I have to go home. We should totally go shopping some time, though!" Tea walked right past Bakura, a man whose head was so close to leaking volcanic lava through the ears that many volcanologists in the nearby area had an involuntary orgasm, and patted him on the back before walking away, or at least getting a few steps before suddenly being surrounded by a mysterious purple and black fog.

"Now you've sealed your fate, Gardner…" The unmistakable voice of Bakura laughed from somewhere implacable nearby. "I'll be personally over-seeing your torment as long as we both live in this realm of shadows."

Tea's face was briefly overcome with fear, followed by curiosity and finally amusement. Throughout that cycle of emotions, her eyes had focused on one thing; the not well-hidden zipper that was only a few yards to her left.

"What… HEY, stop it!" screamed Bakura, but it was too late. Tea had put her hand on the handle of the zipper and was prepared to open it. "Pay no attention to the man behind the zipper! Please!"

Tea swiftly pulled the zipper down, revealing Bakura standing outside in the same place they were just in, and stepped out of the shadow realm. The cloud of darkness disappeared behind them.

"FKJHS:LKFR!" Bakura hollered unpronounceably. The bat-haired man was now helpless with the terrible secret of the shadow realm having been discovered by a mere ordinary human.

Tea crossed her arms, maturely, and stuck her tongue out, immaturely. Now you know who taught Marik his tongue tricks.

"What are you trying to prove by continuing to be here anyway?" Bakura blurted. He didn't want to admit it to himself, but he was starting to feel rather desperate. He was being cornered by someone who obviously had a lot more to her than meets the eye.

Tea said nothing, but walked over to Bakura at a brisk pace, face confident and as pale as the moon illuminating it. Speaking of moon, Bakura was running that through his head as another possible option with regards to getting rid of this nuisance. Unfortunately, this train of thought was derailed in a way that could only be described as "right off of a fucking cliff," for verily, Tea had touched her lips to Bakura's as he was immensely distracted.

A blood-curdling roar of agony boomed out of Bakura's mouth the nanosecond Tea was done mouth scissoring herself against the pale spirit of the ring. Before long, steam started rising from Bakura's body and he shrank, melting slowly into a puddle like the Wicked Witch. His last words, "IT TASTES LIKE FRIENDSHIIIIIIP", hung in the air like dingle berries.

The transformation was complete. Tea had planned this all along. Bakura could no longer hope to claim his title as holder of the seven Millennium items. In melting down, he had gradually been reduced to a Bakura plushie with a thinking brain.

Tea silently picked up the plushie, holding it to her chest. "Now my life is complete. I will call you Plushkura and you will be my fan girl orgasm factory."

Bakura would loved to have been able to scream in agony, but he was no more than cloth covering cotton. His only self-consolation was that his misery would be over soon, for Bakura had remembered why he had helped that old lady across the street in the first place; to lead her into the jaws of the same trap Tea and himself were heading for right now…

**THE END**


	3. Joey and Yami

**Disclaimer: Yu-Glee-Oh is not something nedthejanitor wants anything to do with. He would also like to add that he never wants to hear Seto Kaiba sing "Rolling in the Deep" again. Ever.**

_So, you couldn't get enough, could you? You just had to torture your genitals some more. Well, fine. I got something for you, something to really get those bowels a'churnin'. Y'all ready for this? Y'all ready for Yami Yugi and Joey? …Wait, you are? Shit, maybe I should have come up with a more outlandish pairing this go round. Ah, well, enjoy._

"Joey! Joey, we're going to be late for fifth period!" Yugi bitched, as he was wont to do when a situation arose where he might miss his period. "Let's just say I won again!"

"No, Yugi," Joey said in the same tone one might use when they're about to give their life for something. Not like it would have carried much weight if he did offer up his life, because let's face it, he gave that shit up for card games a long time ago. The Devil still tells the story of the time some blonde kid showed up at the Crossroads and asked to sell his soul in order to get better at card games. It was the one soul Satan almost refused to take. But that's a story for another fanfic.

"We have to finish 'dis duel, man," Joey said in the only instance where I will actually attempt to transcribe his inscrutable accent, "I really feel a victory coming on."

Yugi's grip on the bathroom doorknob loosened slightly, as did his anus. "Joey, that's what you said last time-"

"And it turned out to be my boner, I know, I know," Joey interrupted hastily. By no means was he in the mood to drudge that incident back up. "I promise, Yugi- I feel something here, and it isn't just nausea."

So Yugi sighed and reluctantly agreed to skip class and play card games, an act that resulted in a black hole opening somewhere in the Milky Way because the universe got a headache figuring out if that was cool or not and had to relieve the pressure somehow. It took several planets being sucked in, but it finally worked. Goddamn universal bypass.

So, yeah, Joey and Yugi continued to play cards and it was pretty fuckin' sweet. Yugi did a bunch of high-pitched gasp noises every time Joey played a card, like some kind of hurt dog flinching every time someone reaches for it, and after a while Yugi began to gasp so much that it built up a decidedly sexual rhythm to anyone listening from the outside. All that time, Yugi naively wondered why nobody was coming into the bathroom.

"I've got you pinned down, Yugi," said Joey huskily as he pointed to his massive life point advantage and superior monster cards, "now what are you going to do?"

Yugi had no choice. He thought back to what his Duel Monsters coach, Mitt Romney, taught him during one of their last lessons together: "If at first you don't succeed, turn into someone else and keep trying." So that's what he decided to do.

"_Yeah, Yugi, that's right… turn into him… turn into…"_

Yami Yugi now sat triumphantly and cross-leggedly on the bathroom floor. To his right, the most powerful Duel Monsters deck that was ever compiled. Front and center, the strategy he needed to win the game. To his left, a dried puddle of vomit. He was ready.

"I'm switching ***AWESOME NEW CARD NED'S TOO LAZY TO MAKE UP*** from defense to attack mode," Yami declared boisterously. "As you know, the effect of this card is that when the duelist switches to his bishounen alter-ego and immediately turns this card from defense to attack mode, he automatically wins the game!"

"Oh, no, I lost." Joey said with as much passion as he could fake. Just to demonstrate how little that is, Joey was once criticized in his middle school drama class for insufficiently portraying the full spectrum of emotions that his character was supposed to have. That character? A fucking tree in the background.

"Well, you played a great game, Joey," Yami conceded. "You get better every time I duel against you. Of course, the first time we were playing with completely terrible rules and the second time you were possessed by Marik, but hey, the devil's in the details."

"Hey, thanks, man!" Joey said all squee like. "I've got only the best duelist in the world to practice against."

Yami flinched inwardly, secretly praying that Tea had kept her promise not to tell anyone about her victory over him just last week. "Now it's time for me to-"

"Wait!" Joey grabbed Yami's arm, but it was too late. Yami had receded back into Yugi's body, leaving Yugi wondering why the hell Joey was grabbing his arm in the first place. And then he remembered that not only was he the greatest ranked duelist in the world, he had won the World's Sexiest Left Arm contest for three years in a row. Sometimes, a guy just couldn't resist.

"Joey… let's go. Sixth period is about to start now. Let's at least get to that class. We'll ask Tristan to give us his notes from fifth."

Joey gave Yugi a look that frightened him to his bones. Then he stopped doing his duck face and got serious for a second. "Yugi… please, bring Yami back out," Joey said in a sharp whisper. "There's something I have to talk to him about."

Yugi nodded, though he felt unsure. He knew Joey was his friend. Joey would never do anything to Yami like take away a piece of his puzzle and throw it out the window. Yami soon stood before Joey in all of his glory, and the taller teen embraced him. He didn't have to say a word- Yami knew. And he reciprocated.

But, wow, Joey was going to be mad when he found out the cassette tape Yami borrowed got eaten by his stereo.

**THE END**


	4. Seto and Tea

**Disclaimer: Yu don't own I-Gi-Oh!**

_Greetings! It's time for episode 4, and already, we're using a character that's already had a chapter! This means I'm already running out of material, so you guys better cherish what you're getting, because this well's a-runnin' dry. Today's foray into the dark side of stupidity is a pairing where both characters think exactly the opposite from each other. It's like opposites attract, only the opposites are Tea Gardner and Seto Kaiba, so it's the equivalent of a giraffe and a squirrel falling in love. In other words, enjoy._

"You may enter."

Tea Gardner gently opened the giant fuck-off door to Seto Kaiba's study, where he spent half of his time working and the other- no, he pretty much spent all of his time modeling trench coats. You don't get to wear outfits that fabulous (not to mention floaty) without it cutting into your workload. Anyway, she entered and immediately tripped. Fortunately, she was caught by none other than Prince Cha- err, Kaiba. Same difference.

"Uhh…" Tea was never sure what to say to Kaiba when she saw him, especially when her useless paperweight feet betrayed her at most embarrassing times. It's probably also because she's a fucking idiot, but there was a certain air to the young CEO that made him difficult to approach. Maybe it was his piercing blue eyes. Or his clothing, which almost managed to out-do Yami's with how angular it was. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the "fuck off" sign he had tattooed on his forehead. Either way, it made Tea trip, and Kaiba had to catch her yet again.

"Well, Gardner. It's payday again. I suppose you're going to want money," Kaiba sighed in exasperation. To be fair, Kaiba's not just this way with Tea; the guy just really hates paying his employees. Seto Kaiba is such a tight-ass, he can't shit without the jaws of life, three paramedics, and an exorcist. Any doctor that has ever tried to check his prostate ended up with nine fingers by the day's end. But, let's save the details for his next yaoi sex scene.

"If you don't mind," Tea said right back. "I wasn't able to pay my rent two weeks ago with a bag of old cards." The energy shifted in the room because of her comment, and she nearly fell. Fortunately, Kaiba caught her.

As much as the guy got on her nerves, she had slowly fallen for him in the time she had been Mokuba's babysitter. Why the fuck Mokuba needed a babysitter at age 11 in a mansion full of armed guards is anyone's guess, but questioning Kaiba logic… why, that's like questioning organized religion. Anyway, her deep feelings of loathing for the elder Kaiba brother had become infatuation- she had seen a whole other side of him these days. For example, uh… hrm, wait- wait, let me uh… think for a sec- oh yeah, one time he tipped at a restaurant. That happened. And it was so compassionate, befitting of a warm-hearted individual such as **Seto Kaiba. **

On Kaiba's end, the feelings were much unreciprocated. He didn't see her except on payday, and the only time he thought about her was in the context of how he was going to rip his employees off instead of paying them. He would stay up in his study for long nights, stuck in the Gendo pose for hours on end, contemplating what he was going to do to weasel out of providing meager restitution in exchange for putting up with his bullshit. But tonight, he had nothing, so pay he would. And in the process of getting the paycheck out of his desk, he knocked pretty much everything in his study over with his floaty trench coat. Including Tea, who he once again had to catch.

"Why do you want to be a dancer, anyway?" Kaiba asked, running out of patience. "You've tripped four times since you stepped into my office."

"It's my dream! If I wish hard enough, I know it'll come true!" In reality, Tea was not at all a clumsy girl, unless she was in the presence of a delicious piece of man-meat such as… Seto Kaiba.

"Whatever. Here," Kaiba said tersely right before throwing an envelope Frisbee-style right at Tea Gardner's fucking head. Unfortunately, our stoic CEO failed to mention that the envelope was as sharp and deadly as a Duel Monsters card, so the real urgency was lost on Ms. Gardner until it was too late- it narrowly missed her neck and sliced off a big lock of her hair. Unbelievably, she didn't lose her balance.

"EEEK!" Tea belted out a screech that could almost have shattered the glass frames of the pictures hung up in the study. "You asshole, what was that?!" 

Kaiba made no attempt to stifle a mocking gut laugh. "My apologies. I guess I just don't know my own strength. I think you look better with that haircut."

He didn't realize it, but when Tea turned to grab the envelope that had jammed itself in the wall behind her, she was blushing madly. Her crush just complimented his own hackjob he performed on her hair! Wow, maybe he did it on purpose! Meanwhile, behind her, Kaiba was fiddling about with one of the belt-thingies tied around the long sleeves of his black undershirt. God, he loved his fashion sense.

"Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to leave," she said quickly, trying to get out before Kaiba noticed her face was as red as a dog's dick dipped in ketchup. Try saying "dog's dick dipped" five time really fast. Even if you're in public. _Especially _if you're in public.

"Hold it, Gardner."

Goddamnit, Tea thought as she stopped with her hand on the doorknob. She just wanted to get out of that room before she embarrassed herself further. She was afraid that if she hung out in there for too long, she might do something really humiliating, like threaten to blow up an island and kill a bunch of people over losing a card game against a 5,000-year-old Pharaoh's spirit she didn't believe in, even though she'd personally fucking seen him do magic. Oops, she tripped.

"Gardner, I expect you to apologize for calling me an asshole," Kaiba tersely said. Tea just rolled her eyes- this guy built a series of death traps just to kill her and her friends, but he was going to act all thin-skinned over an offhand insult? It's almost as if this guy wouldn't be worth even giving a second glance were it not for the fact that he was gorgeous and rich.

"Sorry," she said resignedly. This job was important enough for her to swallow her pride. Where else was she going to make an extravagant amount of money in this economy? At least, when he did pay her.

"Look up at me, Gardner."

She did, and he finally took notice of her nearly maroon-colored complexion. He almost ducked under his desk, afraid her head was going to explode like Mike Dawson's mother.

"I think I'm coming down with a fever," Tea said in a low voice.

Kaiba's eyes widened. "Okay, get the hell out of my office! I can't afford to get sick with your cooties!" He really couldn't either- he was to model a sky-blue trench coat in about an hour, he had no time for cooties.

As Tea closed the door behind her, she reminisced about the meeting she just had with her boss. The way he stopped her from falling down like an idiot, the way he spat out her last name like it was earthworm jizz… someday, she vowed, someday she would marry that man.

Then she fell down Kaiba's massive staircase and died.

**THE END**


End file.
